I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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