I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
