I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
