All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
