bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
