hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
