I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
