Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
