Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
