Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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