Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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