I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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