Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
