Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And then my night got REAL pukey
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
