I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
