I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
