well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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