It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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