My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
did i walk over a car last night?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
