i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
