The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
