My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
