I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
