grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
