So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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