You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
