I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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