Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
