best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
