apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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