eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
