I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
