Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
