I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
