Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
