Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
