Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
