I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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