it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
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