Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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