if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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