i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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