This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
