3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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