My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
