I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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