FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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