dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
