I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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