Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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